Perspective!

"A mental view or outlook"

The other day Jim (my husband for those who don't know) emailed me saying he was feeling rather fed up. The company he works for recently went under and he is one of the few employees remaining that have been asked to help wind down the company. Jim is very diligent and was feeling really frustrated by some of his colleagues who were treating the situation as a free ride and were also being very negative. In his view they were still being paid to do a job and should be doing that job. With regards to the negativity well, no-one is making them stay!

I replied with a little technique that is great for preventing others negativity from impacting on you and that is to imagine a forcefield around you (I usually say cloak of protection but as he is a guy I changed it). Once you've done this you then imagine that any negativity simply bounces off of you. Once you start imagining this it is quite fascinating how you become distanced from the feelings of others and in turn their emotions can't affect you.

I then found myself writing (I say 'found' because I don't always know where these things come from, ideas appear to be stored in my subconscious and just turn up when they feel like it ;-)). Anyway I wrote "See what you want to see, hear what you want to hear and feel what you want to feel". The subconscious mind doesn't know the difference between real or imagined events and if we imagine positive things it believes those things and in turn we feel good.

My mind then wandered off to the recent Derren Brown programme I had watched about creating luck. They had interviewed the local butcher, Wayne who said if there wasn't bad luck he wouldn't have any luck. Derren then wanted to see if his belief was preventing him from being lucky and so a series of lucky 'opportunities' were set up for Wayne:

• A fake scratch card through his door that if he'd played he would have won a TV
• A woman asking questions about cuts of meat and when passers by got the answer right she gave them £20. Wayne said he'd be back in 10 minutes but despite her being there all day and handing out lots of money he never returned.
• They then put a £50 note in his path and he walked straight on by without noticing it.
• Eventually, they had an advertising van follow him that said "If your name is Wayne call this number". Finally, after seeing it a number of times he called.

His belief that he was unlucky had filtered out any possibility that he could be lucky and therefore he had missed out on the opportunities.

Later that day I was with a fertility client and she was sharing with me that she'd been away for a weekend and all the conversations were around babies and she felt very left out. Having acknowledged that women do tend to talk about their kids a lot, I told her about Wayne and asked her if perhaps she thought she might have missed out on any opportunities to have different conversations.

It is interesting isn't it? The way we perceive a situation or our very own beliefs can change how we experience our world. Why not give it a try, for one whole day decide what you want to see, what you want to hear and how you want to feel and see what happens.

Post a comment and share what you find.

If you are interested in exploring how you can live in the moment and focus more on what you want rather than what you don't want maybe a Feel good Look good workshop is for you.

Never fear mummy is here

By the time Evan and I left her swimming lesson on Sunday around 6:15 pm, being November it was of course already dark and on this particular evening it was also very foggy. As we approached the car Evan said she was frightened of the tree worried that it could poke her in the eye. I of course reassured her and pointed out that we were too far from the tree for that to happen. Once settled in the car Evan said she was frightened that the tree would follow us and come into her bedroom and hurt her. Once again I sought to reassure her saying that the tree couldn't do this because it was rooted in the ground. We had a further chat about why the tree needed its roots, etc and then Evan fell quiet for a few moment. She then said "I wish I was a mummy and then I wouldn't be frightened any more". This of course made my heart twinge but at the same time I was glad that she believed I was strong.

Little does she know of course that being a mum is often one of the most frightening things and that fear can attack you at every corner if you let it. Particularly, if like me you grew up being fearful of everything and worrying all of the time. I believe that my early life was impacted by the fact that my dad died whilst my mum was 8 months pregnant with me, I strongly believe her strong negative emotions left a lasting imprint on me that has taken many, many years to resolve (well almost).

The first turning point for me was my hypnotherapy / counseling course at 30 when I started to look at the world through different eyes. My training in HypnoBirthing and HypnoFertility taught me more about fear and its impact on the body and from then on I've spent the last couple of years researching emotions which has led me to co-create the Feel good Look good programme.

I always practice what I preach and use the techniques that I teach all of the time in order to ensure that I am living in the now and enjoying life as much as I can.

I hope Evan's fears are just normal small child concerns as she is learning about the world. I teach her kiddy versions of the techniques that I teach to adults which help her to relax and use her imagination positively. She in turns uses them back at me when she sees me getting tense or anxious ;-).

That evening I told her about the Magic Faraway Tree that I used to love reading about when I was a little girl and that I would share great stories with her about the adventures that were had at the top of that tree. She smiled and snuggled down to sleep.

We had moved from fear to understanding to feeling good.

I wish I'd been taught these things earlier but our experiences make us wiser and I know that I have a positive impact on many peoples lives and that makes me feel good.

If you are sitting reading this feeling that you could also benefit from learning more about how to focus on the positive and enjoy life more, you may find that the Feel good Look good programme is for you.

Elf on the Shelf

Yesterday I was speaking to my good friend Clare and she mentioned that there would be elves visiting her house from the 1st December. Intrigued, I asked to hear more about these special guests and loved what she told me. All those will little ones I think will love it too and so I asked her to write a blog post for me.

Enjoy!

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The word Christmas is usually banned until after my birthday on the 30th November. This year I am so excited that I have been planning some December fun for quite some time now…Elvish fun and the start of a truly magical tradition.

Stolen from my sister in law in the USA – the idea is to have an Elf/Elves visit from Santa to see who is being “naughty or nice”. I actually thought it would be a great way to promote positive behavior and for the Elves to bring lots of fun activities for cold and wet December days. I also want lots of Elf activities to be about giving to others and not just about receiving. One of the planned activities will be to make cookies and take them to the local old people’s home. Not forgetting the Elves will be bringing lots of mischief too.

Some people’s Elves arrive with a note from Santa; along with an advent calendar- this is what one lady did for her children last year:

***Every year, our elves find new ways to show up at our house. We always ask Santa in our letters in November if Fielding and Collette can come to visit. This year we went to a local store and purchased our live Christmas tree, which the store wrapped in the netting to pack on our car. Amazingly, when we got home and cut off the netting, the elves were inside the tree! My son and daughter are still wondering how they knew which tree we would pick. And they look forward to the mischief their elf friends might do each day.

I have already started to sew the seed, I have told my girls, Hannah and Madelaine that really good children get a visit from Elves and they stay until Christmas Eve (when they disappear back to Santa!). Each activity day the elves will leave a note, for example: the day we put up the tree I thought the “ naughty Elves” would be hiding in the tree and put the girls socks on the tree- the girls will have to re decorate.

Other activities:

Snowball fight between toys (using cotton wall balls)

Cooking including finding a shopping list with money to buy the ingredients

Christmas cooking with Christmas aprons de-rigor

Making Christmas decorations

Making Christmas Cards

Bubble bath with snowflakes

Donating old toys to a charity shop

One morning the girls might find a Christmas coloring book another instructions to find a duster to help Mum tidy ;-)

My mum has brought the girls tickets to see an ice skating show- these tickets will be found in the clutches of their elves.

We are also collecting the girls Aunty from the airport on the 21st Dec- I am the only one to know about this in the family so again will have to get the elves involved. This will be a HUGE surprise!!

Decorating the windows with snowflakes

I am also hoping for some real snow for some outdoor elf fun

I am on a budget this year- all the activities have unashamedly come from Poundland the Elves from M & S at £8 -they are very cute (Just need to find some Elf names). Below are some sites where you can grab some adorable Elves and ideas, which are endless!

http://www.elf-magic.com

http://www.elf-magic.com/ideas.htm

http://www.elfontheshelf.com

http://www.cafemom.com/journals/read/1319261/Looking_for_quot_Elf_Mischief_quot_need_ideas

As for me, roll on December so I pull on my red and white stripy tights and bring on the Elvish fun. Ho Ho Ho!

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Thanks Clare, I am really excited about our little elf visitor now too, though not so sure I will be pulling on any red and white stripy tights ;-)

Is it fear or excitement?

Well maybe it is fear or maybe it is excitement and sometimes it is both.

What on earth are you talking about I hear you cry, but it really is an interesting question because unless we are in real danger (when of course it is absolutely right to feel fear so that we can get ourselves out of trouble) we can change the answer to suit what we want.

Think for a moment how you experience fear in your body.

Ok, now take some time to become aware of how you experience excitement in your body.

They are incredibly similar aren't they and once you realise this you can use it change your perception of something.

Words are very powerful if you say that you are scared about something then you will create images (consciously and/or subconsciously) that represent fear. Because your subconscious runs the body based on the emotions these images evoke it will actually make physiological changes in the body to get you ready for danger. This is only useful if you really are in trouble other than that it causes unnecessary stress on your mind, body and emotional well being.

However, if you say you are excited about something then you will create images that match that and trigger a whole different response within the mind and body.

Your subconscious doesn't know the difference between real or imagined events so the more we focus on the negative the more likely we are to take action that matches that negativity. If we are focussing on the positive it is a natural response to find ourselves responding more positively to what is going on in our lives.

Let's look at this from a birthing perspective. A woman who says she is frightened of her baby's upcoming birth will create images of horror stories she's heard, read about or seen. In turn this will prepare her body for a potentially difficult birth. A woman who perceives the physical sensations within her body as excitement will create images that match that excitement and in turn support her body in working as it should during labour and birth. It doesn't actually matter if at first she doesn't quite believe it because the more she focuses on excitement the law of repetition will ensure that in turn it becomes easier to believe. This is because the more we practice something the easier it becomes and in turn becomes a new way of thinking. Of course if we are thinking differently we create the images that support an easier, comfortable birth.

Change this way is easy the only hard thing is to actually do it. For a pregnant woman you can tap into the desire to have a better birth for you and your baby.

But this of course works for all areas of your life so be more aware from now on whether something is a real or a perceived fear. If it is only perceived tell yourself you are excited instead and notice how different that makes you feel.

Remember it may take practice, but if you tap into the desire that will ensure you want to make a change, the more you focus on excitement the more you will believe it to be true and in turn you will be surprised at the differences that this will make in your every day life.

Living Fully in the Present Moment

It has been quite some time since I've been able to sit down quietly and write a blog entry. I've been so busy running around after Evan (quite literally sometimes), seeing clients, running courses, writing new materials for my online shop, seeing friends, being a wife, a daughter, a mum, etc, etc, etc...... often all at the same time.

But then something stopped me in my tracks and made me really want to write a new blog entry (although I must confess it has taken me over a week to get round to doing it). And what was that something I hear you ask..... Well I was driving home after dropping Evan off at nursery, it is a 30 minutes drive so I often get lost in thoughts of everything that I have to do but as I keep missing my turn offs when I do this (I have a habit of just driving in a straight line when I get too distracted, it must be my subconscious way of keeping me safe) I decided to turn the radio on.

I'm a big Chris Moyles fan so I went straight for Radio 1 but they were about to do the 'car park challenge' which I hate so I switched over and found myself on Radio 2. Now my poor mum has not been able to cope since she lost her cherished Terry Wogan for Chris Evans so I thought I'd stick around for a while and have a listen and find out what she keeps complaining about. I'm not sure whether I caught him on a tame day or he's getting old and just seems tame compared to Moyles but I started enjoying the show (so maybe I'm getting old alongside him).

Anyway back to what stopped me in my tracks. He had a guest on the show talking about how at a recent conference he'd attended he'd noticed how so many people were using their Blackberrys, and Iphones and were texting, emailing and tweeting rather than giving their focussed attention to the speaker. He went on to say that some recent research carried out by neuroscientists in an American University have found that we are not wired up to multi task. That our brains have limited capacity for processing information and it is impossible to focus on 2 things at the same time and be fully responsive to what is going on. Now this is not news to me as a hypnotherapist and one of the first things I teach my clients is that they can't focus on two thoughts at the same time and how the cancel technique uses this to their advantage. The thing that struck me was when he said that he felt that this was very much in line with the ancient wisdom that we should try and live fully in the present moment.

I hate the word should and I hate the word try and this sentence made me fully realise why. Like so many people I am constantly multi-tasking and not really giving enough attention to specific things. This 'should' made me feel guilty and the 'try' made me feel like a failure (which is why I won't let my clients use these words). So once I'd learned what I needed to from these emotions I decided that the next day I would live in the present moment (I had to get my head round it first ;-)).

My biggest sense of guilt came from not being in the present moment when I was with Evan and as it was Tuesday and we always have a morning at home together I started with her. To fully appreciate this I need to take you on a little side story (hopefully you are used to the way I ramble on by now). Evan has been getting quite 'pushy' around other kids, we thought it had stopped so I was very upset to find it had started again. When I got home from dropping her at the nursery I did a search for google "desperate mum kid hitting" - now I realise as I write this I could have got any number of odd results but as often is the case I found exactly what I was looking for, and what I learned very clearly highlighted that I would need to be fully in the present moment to make any of it work. So every time I was with Evan for the next two days I was completely in the moment with her and do you know what, we had sooooooooo much fun. She hadn't suddenly become perfect but I did the things that I'd learned and every time instead of a battle of wills we'd end up laughing. And what's more when I arrived to pick Evan up from nursery on Thursday (she goes on Monday and Thursday mornings) Evan had earned a huge star for playing so nicely and the staff commented on what a change they'd seen in her.

I must confess I've slipped a little and I've seen a change in Evan's behaviour so tomorrow I choose again to be fully in the present moment whenever I am with her. My aim is to keep practicing until it becomes second nature to do this around her and in turn in other areas of my life. I would add at this point that this doesn't mean she has to have 100% of my attention 100% of the time (to learn more about what I've been doing have a read for yourself and watch the video clip at the end).

There is so much distraction in our lives but apart from the wonderful change I saw in Evan I was amazed to find that I didn't get any less done and I had so much more energy. It is bloody tiring multi-tasking and now it has been proving why - we are actually overloading our circuits when we are doing it.

I'd love to read your comments on this - whether you've given this post your full and focussed attention or have been multi-tasking whilst reading let me know your thoughts.

Using Real Nappies

The title of this blog entry is a little misleading because you might have thought that I was about to tell you all about using them. Sadly it isn't because as much as I thought about it before I had Evan I just never built up enough confidence to give them a go. Sadly I met the lovely Johanna who is going to be heading up the Bexley Real Nappy Network when I was already months into using disposables and with my pressures of running Tums 2 Mums and having a tiny baby I couldn't get my head round making the switch.

My biggest concern was would I be able to keep on top of the washing of them and more importantly the drying of them but chatting with Johanna I found that nappies have come a very, very long way and that some of the brands in particular dry incredibly quickly. My other concern was would I be able to deal with having to wash poopy nappies but another chat with Johanna made me realise that most of it just gets dropped down the toilet. To be honest Evan was so long and skinny that she was always squirting out of her nappies and virtually every day I was having to scrub poop out of her clothes so I didn't escape.

So there you are that is my confession, I wish I had made the switch but I didn't so instead I'm hoping to help at least mums and mums-to-be in reach of Bexley to find out more by attending the event detailed below. If you are not near Bexley though check out your local area because there will be someone, somewhere willing and able to help you find out more.

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Bexley Real Nappy Network (BRNN)

During Real Nappy Week (26th April – 2nd May) The London Borough of Bexley will be launching Bexley Real Nappy Network.

We would like to invite you to attend the launch of Bexley Real Nappy Network.

Bexley Real Nappy Network (BRRN) will launch on:

Wednesday 28th April 10.30am – 1.30pm at Danson Children’s Centre, Brampton Road.

There will be fun nappy events, stalls and tea and cakes.

The aim of the Bexley Real Nappy Network (BRNN) is to promote real nappies and provide support for parents using cloth nappies. We hope this network will give parents a chance to gain practical tips on how to use cloth nappies and share their experience of using different types of cloth nappies. BRNN will also offer a nappy library and second hand nappy exchange. As a member of BRNN you will receive a quarterly newsletter with nappy information and advice.

The BRRN launch will provide you with an opportunity to sign up to the network – there is no cost.

During real nappy week we will also be promoting Real Nappies for London’s voucher scheme by running stalls in the Broadway.

The Mall, in the Broadway Shopping Centre, Bexleyheath:

Monday 26 April 10.30am – 1.30pm

Tuesday 27 April 10.30am – 1.30pm

If you would like more information please contact:

Helen Barclay / Maria Migdal 020 8303 7777 option 1.

Bexley Real Nappy Network: bexleyrealnappynwk@tiscali.co.uk

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I will be there with a little Tums 2 Mums stall so if you do attend please come and say hello :-)

Advice for first time mums

My pal Claire Lancaster has put out a request, on behalf of a media friend of hers, for some practical and emotional pearls of wisdom for first time mums that you can’t find in books and you only discover when you’ve had a child.

She had some questions so I thought the easiest way to respond to this request was to answer each one.

How painful IS birth. No *really*.

Well if you are a reader of my blog (and it looks like you are cos your here) you will know by now that if you choose to listen to all the horror stories then quite probably the answer to this question will be “very”. However, it really doesn’t have to be that way. My personal answer following the birth of my daughter Evan is “not at all” and for many of my ‘mums’ who have prepared using HypnoBirthing® they will say the same (even those who have been induced, had 4 day labours or had back to back births). Not all report back that their births were pain free as mine was but, without special circumstance, will say that it was comfortable, that they were calm, relaxed and in control. These women look back on their births (and forward to actually) with a sense of excitement and wanting to shout out to the world that birthing really can be a wonderful experience. Yes *really*.

What do you DO with your newborn baby all day?

This depends on what sort of baby you have. If you get one like my sisters first born you will decorate the house because he slept all day. She HAD to have a rigid routine for feeding (something you would never normally have with a newborn baby) because it was the only way she could make sure he had enough. He NEVER stopped sleeping. If you get one like mine who would NEVER let me put her down you carry them around all day, feed them on demand and watch LOADS of rubbish TV.

The key thing is to be led by the baby and don't expect to get anything else done. That way if you don't you've met your expectations and if you do you've exceeded them. Win:Win.

What’s the best way to avoid losing your marbles with lack of sleep/adult company etc?

Unless you end up with one like my sisters. Sleep when your baby sleeps. It won’t be the uninterrupted nights sleep you are used to but then you didn’t expect that with a new born did you. If you nap you won’t become exhausted. If you find you are not able to nod off just because your little bundle of joy is then listen to a relaxation cd/mp3 as that will also help to restore your energy levels and keep you sane.

Adult company is normally the least of your worries in the first few weeks because everyone descends upon you to see the baby. My advice would be restrict this to very few visitors and ask that they don’t stay for too long (unless it is your best friend and you’ve escaped from everyone else with her). And most importantly DO NOT wait on them. If they want to be there they can bring their own cake and make their own tea.

A few weeks down the line and this is the time to meet up with your new ‘baby’ friends. If you haven’t met any at your antenatal classes then there are plenty of mum and baby groups you can join. Or if you are like me and those places filled you with dread I’d recommend finding a lovely baby massage class and something like baby sensory to start with. Once you start meeting other mums and realise that they are all nervous about meeting other mums then it doesn't seem such a scary thing to do. Or is this just me?

Also, before you’ve had your baby find out which of your friends are around when. Not everyone works 9am – 5pm and so you could possibly meet up with friends around their work and also meet up with friends with older kids who are not working. If you find out beforehand then you know you’ve got people you can call upon when you fancy a catch up.

Can you breastfeed while technically asleep? Like a cowboy sleeping upright with his eyes open etc?

Yes, and I say this without hesitation because I know the answer to this question only to well. My little darling decided she would stop sleeping through the night at 5 months. Quite the shock to my system! Instead she would wake up every hour, on the hour, eventually I would give up and bring her into bed with me where she would help herself to my boob anytime she felt like it.

And on that vein, is there any way to have a drink while breastfeeding?

Yes, you can if you plan it. I couldn’t really be bothered (it was when I reached toddler stage that a little drink at the end of the day started beckoning – but that’s a whole other story). It is easier once they are in a routine as you know when their next feed is ‘roughly’ due. Then you can plan to have a drink allowing enough time for it to move through your system before their next feed.

What will seem like a good idea initially – and what will I quickly realise is a total nightmare?

Having baby number 2 – sorry I promise I’m only joking and not even speaking from experience as we are only having the 1.

My real answer is trying to do everything yourself. Control is hard to let go of for many of us but this isn’t the time to care. Say yes to EVERY offer of help that comes your way.

Am I really going to be forgetting my name and putting the loo roll in the fridge for a few months after birth?

There is a lot of talk going on at the moment that there is no such thing as ‘baby brain’. I have to confess I’ve not read/heard any of the points made but what I would say in response (quite cocky of me really considering I've just admitted to not knowing what's been said) is that it may not specifically be a chemical change that happens because a woman has had a baby or is pregnant but sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason. It messes with the brain! A tired, exhausted woman expecting too much of herself is not going to be performing at her best physically, mentally or emotionally. Also, when one is in a highly emotional state this affects clear thinking and when a new born baby enters your life there are all sorts of extreme emotions that women can go through.

And for me the most likely reason, when your baby is screaming for you to deal with whatever it is screaming about you have a feeling that goes through you that cannot be described. Only another mother can nod her head in understanding. It is like THEIR cry (because another baby's doesn’t affect you in this way) triggers a post-hypnotic suggestion within your brain that says “you cannot focus on any other thing until you come over here, pick me up and fulfil my needs”.

Does a gulf open up between you and your child-free friends? How does it change your relationships?

Only if you let it. I find that I am more of a baby/child bore with my friends who do have kids. We boast and moan and get advice from each other on a subject that we have in common and have experience of. When I get together with my friends without kids or with those that do but we're on our own I aim to talk about anything but. Otherwise it would be like having a holiday and taking your work with you.

Am I going to surprise myself – and if so, how?

You will probably be the most surprised when you look back one day and realise that a new mum is looking to you for advice and suddenly you have become an expert. How, did that happen you ask yourself but it does through good old fashioned experience (often known as trial and error in this house).

What won’t I care about half as much, after I’ve given birth/am a mum?

Changing poopy nappies – I would NEVER change a nappy, poopy or otherwise, before I had Evan. Some used to say “but you will have to when you have your own” and I would reply “yes the salient point being, when I have my own, for now I don’t”. Sorry were you looking for something a bit more profound.

My very own special pearl of wisdom

The BEST advice I can give is find a mum who is at least 4-6 months ahead of you. As great as it is to have other new mums around to say “oh yes, mine is doing that” and “oh yes I’m having that kind of trouble too” is that you don’t always get any answers just reassurance that you are all in the same boat. A mum a few months ahead of you will be that expert you yourself will become in time (you know that thing I mentioned under the “what will surprise me" bit).

I hope this has been useful for both my readers and Claire's media pal.

From one mum to another

Hi there

I am writing this post for a mum that I've never met before but is part of the wonderful HypnoBirth community that I belong to on Baby Centre. I will leave her to tell you more.

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Hi everyone, I am mummy to Alex, Charlotte and Sophia and I'm now here asking for your help to spread the word about a little boy who is in need of our help.

His name is Jamie Inglis and he is 4 years old, he has just finished his 8th lot of high dose chemo and needs to go to America for further treatment to save his life.

I am going to be jumping out of a plane to try and help the family reach the £250 000 that they need for Jamies treatment, I am Jumper RED 9 and am really strugelling to get sponsors, so I am asking for your help please, there is no minimum sponsor, anything is very much appreciated, together we can help save his life, hes just 4 years old!

If any of you can sponsor me, please can you put in the message that its for RED 9, it is very quick and easy to do.

There is a Jamie Inglis Appeal page on facebook where you can follow Jamies story so far.

And here is the link to the Jump for Jamie sponsor and donations page, please please help by either sponsoring or just spreading the word.

http://www.justgiving.com/JUMP-FOR-JAMIE

Thanks in advance ladies, anything and everything helps :)

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As Alex says absolutely any amount will help however small so if you can donate that would be really great.

"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten"

A fab quote from the great Anthony Robbins that I feel works well as an introduction to a post about 'beliefs'.

Our beliefs are personal to us. I am sure there have been many times in your life when you have met a person who has a completely different opinion on a subject to you. This is often hard to understand. Who is right, who is wrong? Maybe no-one, maybe both!

Our beliefs about our world come from the things that happen to us, what we see, hear and do. As we experience things we notice the outcomes we get and if we get the same result over and over again it becomes 'fact' for us. In turn we start to filter out anything that doesn't fit with our new belief convincing us all the more that what we believe is right. But actually it is just what we 'think' or to be more correct what we 'imagine' is right.

What you believe dictates the choices you make for yourself and the actions that you take. What you think about things therefore affects your behaviour. Every behaviour has a consequence and so you are in control of what happens to you in your life by what you tell yourself - your thoughts.

Taking responsibility for your thoughts (and therefore your actions) is a big step forward in achieving the life that you want.

Step 1 - Recognise which of your beliefs are not working for you. A good indicator is whether something is making you feel bad in some way.

Step 2 - Evaluate the 'truth' of your beliefs. Take the filter off for a while. Deliberately look for information to test whether this particular belief is always true - or NOT!

Step 3 - Replace the negative thoughts with new positive ones that fit with your new understanding gained from step 2.

So 3 simple steps then! But just proving to yourself that what you believe about something isn't true doesn't make the process of change easy. Even something painful can be 'comfortable' because it is familiar and what we know. It is easier to do what we've always done..... You can see where the title of this post came from now can't you ;-)

For your new belief to become comfortable it needs to be practised consciously until it becomes familiar enough so as to become a more deep routed belief at the subconscious level. You don't really have to think about it anymore you just feel that way. Just like when you are learning a new motor skill for example driving a car. At first you are very consciously aware of everything you need to do but with time and practise you get to a point where you barely notice that you are changing gear, stepping on the brake, stopping at a red light. In fact you can sing along to the radio or chat with a friend whilst you are doing it.

With a commitment to succeed the Cancel technique provides a structured way to practise new thought patterns. At first it will take effort but it is worth it. In time you will begin to notice a subtle shift in how you are thinking as your new belief becomes a part of your subconscious programming, in turn the choices you make and the actions you take will reflect this. Remember you are responsible for your thoughts, your thoughts dictate your actions, every action you make has a consequence that impacts on your life. Your head creates your world. You are in control of your life.

And once you have learnt how to make a change in one area of your life you may find other beliefs that no longer work for you and change them too.

If you'd like support exploring the ideas presented on this post you may be interested to learn more about my Happy Mums! programme.

Appreciating how much you've achieved?

This little gem comes from my husband Jim.

Last night after he'd spent many hours doing overtime he said "....and I've still got loads more to do tomorrow :-(". I replied "focus on what you've achieved today it will make you feel happier". He thought for a moment and then said but that doesn't really help I'm still not looking forward to all I have to do tomorrow. Another pause "....... however, if I imagine that everything I have done today needs to be done again I can suddenly appreciate how much I've achieved and I feel great :-)"

To illustrate this further he used one of his 'Jimmy analogies'

"imagine you have painted a room today. That job is done but all you can think about is needing to paint another room tomorrow - urgh!! Then someone tells you that you've painted it the wrong colour and you need to start all over again tomorrow - double urgh!! Then as they look they realise that they like the new colour and there is no need for you to paint it all again - yay!!!!! You are now feeling very happy about all that you have achieved today - double yay!!!!!"

(although I must confess he didn't say the urgh's and yay's I added them in for dramatic effect ;-)). Just updating this post because I've been reliably informed that he did say the yay's :-D

So next time you can't see the wood for the trees and are finding it impossible to feel good about what you've already achieved, imagine having to start all over again you will soon be feeling better.

I'm definitely going to be including this in my Happy Mums programme.

Make emotions your friend!

This blog entry comes from a conversation I had with my husband Jim. We are both hot heads although over the years have learned to 'most of the time' control our outbursts but this very control I believe has affected our relationship with our emotions. Until now :-)

I am in the middle of reading a wonderful book (I would recommend it to any parent) 'The Complete Secrets of Happy Children' by Steve Biddulph. The chapter entitled Kids and Emotions actually starts out with a confession from the author that this title is a little idealistic; "In the adult world, no-one is ever, or would want to be - continually happy. So for our children, such an aim actually would be wrong.............. What we really want is kids who can handle and move along through the many feelings that life brings... Joy is the goal, but being comfortable and experiencing all the emotions life brings is the way to get there most often".

Many adults I meet personally and work with therapeutically have never learned these skills (I know myself my Hypnotherapy and Counselling course changed my world in this respect and I was 30 when I attended it). And it is not really surprising as many of us have grown up in a world of "stiff upper lips", "keep your chin up", "it is not ladylike to get angry", "big boys don't cry", "don't be a big girls blouse", "putting a brave face on things" and I am sure there are many more you can think of. When I am working with people I always say "If it FEELS right it is right" but for so many who have not only learned but been brainwashed into squashing perceived negative emotions this is not always an easy thing to trust.

When our babies are born they are not inhibited and therefore will show their emotions freely and as a result the negative emotions that they have rarely last long. Although of course they do need direction on how to channel these powerful emotions appropriately but this is where it can end up going so so wrong. It is at this point kids need to learn to make friends with their emotions not see some as their enemy. The good news is though if you didn't learn this as a kid you can open your mind to the possibility now and as is often the case in any good relationship it is based on understanding.

We may sometimes wish that we had no feelings, when our heart has been broken, we've lost someone dear to us, someone is treating us badly and so on but ALL of our emotions have a very big role to play, yes even the negative one.

Our emotions range from subtle to very strong in intensity and, put simply, are there to tell the subconscious what it needs to do to run the body and to help us as we move through the different events and experiences of our lives.

There are four basic emotions:

• Anger
• Fear
• Sadness
• Joy

All other shades of feelings are a mix of these and there are thousands of combinations possible.

Imagine for a moment that you never felt ANGRY couldn't you so easily become life's doormat? In fact I'm sure we all know at least one person who has been taught that they must not show anger (they may well be feeling it but certainly not showing it) and don't people just walk all over them. ANGER makes us stand up for ourselves - it "keeps us free" (It should be noted that this is not the same as violence. Violence is anger gone wrong).

Think of a time when you looked after a young child, newly crawling and exploring their world, they have NO FEAR. You have to make sure that they don't fall down the stairs, stick their hands in the fire, etc. Now imagine you have no fear of ANYTHING!!!! It doesn't bare thinking about does it, let alone imagining. Fear slows us down, forces us to stop and think and avoid danger - often our gut instinct has even perceived something long before the conscious brain understands what and therefore FEAR "keeps us safe".

SADNESS helps us to heal. When we feel sad the chemical changes that occur help our brain to physically release the pain. People say that time heals everything - in a manner of speaking but the time is needed for the brain to release the pain. For some, depending on the type of hurt, that may mean many years and/or a strong support network. In some circumstances an element of sadness never goes away and that is appropriate too as we want to remember. But properly handled SADNESS helps us to move on to new life, enabling us to let go and make new contact with people and experiences.

All three of these outcomes are central to our happiness and JOY is what we start to experience when these needs are fulfilled.

Understanding how useful our emotions are opens up our minds to the possibility of embracing those feelings, to make emotions our friend. Acknowledge your emotions as you become aware of them think about why you are feeling a certain way, take action if appropriate, use them to learn about your behaviour patterns and make changes if you want to. It may seem a lot to take on but whenever you are unsure as to what to do imagine that you are a small child and your adult self is there to guide you.

• Help the angry child wanting to express him/herself use clear lines of communication to ensure they are heard?
• Talk to the frighten child about what is scaring them. Help them explore the facts, think it through, seek out help.
• Maybe all the sad child needs is a hug and the reassurance of knowing that this is how the body is designed to heal. Acknowledge the pain, express it when it bubbles up and let it rest as it may.
• Joy - allow the child in you to run free and have fun whenever the opportunity arises

Obviously as I said before there are many thousands of possible combinations of the four basic emotions but, as it would be impossible and unnecessary for me to list them, I will leave you to contemplate what advice you would give your small child as different emotions arise.

Don't feel the need to squash down the more difficult emotions and 'put a brave face on things' or in fact hide your joy to protect another. It doesn't have to be about 'washing your dirty laundry in public' (there goes another one) or 'rubbing someone's face in it' (and another) just expressing how you are feeling in a clear and honest way to yourself and to others when you are 'happy' or 'sad'.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY MAKING EMOTIONS YOUR FRIEND!

If you'd like support exploring the ideas presented on this post you may be interested to learn more about my Happy Mums! programme.

Sorry seat and the power of words

For those who have come across this entry via my "Hypnosis Techniques" section should note that this is not actually a hypnosis technique but it is tapping into how powerfully words affect our behaviour and therefore worthy of its place under this label.

A few weeks ago I had one of those "ding!" moments as I call them. I was scrolling through my tweets on Twitter and came across mention of the "Sorry Seat" from one of my Twitter pals, Natalie from Sophie4Sophie Well of course as a hypnotherapist, who is always teaching people how the words they use/hear (internally or externally) impacts on how they see themselves and in turn what they attract into their lives, it made so much sense. I can't believe I hadn't noticed it before.

When I used to put Evan on the naughty seat she would of course sit there (or not) for the whole time reflecting on the fact that she was naughty. Now reflecting is a big word for a 2.5 year old and to be frankly honest there was less reflecting and more demonstrating of just why she was sat on the naughty seat. However, the very first time I told Evan that she was going to have a Time Out on the Sorry Seat she did in fact sit there quietly for the whole time very obviously thinking about the need to be sorry. How do I know this (apart from the fact that she wasn't continuing to be naughty)? Because after a few moments she said "mummy I'd like to be sorry now". So I went over and she said and signed (this is one sign that hasn't yet been lost which I find very sweet) sorry! And told me why she was sorry.

And no this wasn't a fluke. Every time she has been placed on the Sorry Seat the same thing has happened. And I've taken this a step further. I'd always understood that you don't tell the child it is naughty. That the action was naughty or it was naughty behaviour. However, they are still focussing on being naughty and so now whenever she is doing something I don't want her to I say "Evan if you do not stop doing that you will have a Time Out on the Sorry Seat" and I begin to count from 1 to 3. I very rarely get past 1. This never used to happen I always got to 3 before and then had quite a battle getting her on the naughty seat and keeping her there.

The power of words never ceases to amaze me. Thanks Natalie for teaching me this fab little gem!

Breastfeed in your sleep

A fun slideshow about co-sleeping and breastfeeding.

Please enjoy this lovely relaxation mp3 on me

I am very happy to say that I have finally found the time to record the following mp3. Something I've been wanting to do for a long time in order to offer my readers the chance to experience one of my mp3s for free and also to enjoy the relaxation that brings.

On the face of it this mp3 is a very simple progressive relaxation but it is done in a very clever way (even if I do say so myself ;-)). It also has a useful twist in that you are learning a very quick and easy way to send relaxation through your body any time you choose (eyes open or eyes closed. Resting at home or in a queue at the Supermarket).

So why is it different? Firstly, the way it relaxes your body. Rather than just saying relax your shoulders, arms, chest, etc. which to be honest is very difficult to do. Think about it now if I say to you "relax your shoulders", you may adjust your shoulders physically or you might imagine your muscles being more relaxed if you have any experience with relaxation techniques but it is still quite a difficult request. If however, I ask you to use your mind to imagine your shoulders moving away from your neck (not physically moving at all just sending the message using your mind) the only way for your body to respond and carry out this instruction is to relax the muscles. You will notice as you progress through the mp3 this is how I get you to relax many of the muscles within your body and then using your mind to imagine moving the comfort this brings on to the next set of muscles.

Secondly, the useful twist comes with the addition of imagining numbers as you progress down through the body '5,4,3,2,1'. These numbers become a very useful trigger for each of the muscle groups to which they are attached to relax. This happens very simply by taking in a nice relaxing breath in and as you breath out seeing, sensing or imagining the numbers 5,4,3,2,1 relax. Listening regularly to this mp3 together with taking every opportunity to use this simple technique will ensure that you can easily move from feeling tense, wound up, anxious, etc to feeling calm, relaxed and in control any time you want to.

I hope you enjoy it and please leave comments to let me know what you think. This mp3 has been deliberately written for general use and is therefore not specific to pregnancy, labour and birth. If you enjoy it and would like to find out more about my Hypnosis for Childbirth set of mp3s please take a look at my shop.

This is the link in order for you to download the mp3. Please share with your friends if you feel they would enjoy it too.

The first meeting of the Hyp 'n Happening Group

Yesterday was the first Hyp 'n Happening Mums and Mums-to-be Hypnobirthing group.

I was really excited all morning and very much looking forward to it. The night before I had got the room ready setting out all the chairs (with 12 mums and mums-to-be coming along I needed to be organised). On Evan's return from nursery though she had other ideas about the layout of the room and put all the chairs in a row. She then sat herself on one of them and started chanting"choo choo choo choo". She would not let me put them back so they stayed like that until my guests started to arrive.

In total we had 8 mums-to-be, 3 mums sharing their wonderful HypnoBirthing stories, 3 two year olds, including Evan and 2 babies. The lovely Johanna from Lollipop also came along to talk about the benefits of using cloth nappies (for mum, baby and the environment).

The first half an hour was spent with mums catching up with other mums they'd met on courses (or with friends they'd referred to me so knew beforehand) and making new friends. There was a lovely buzz to the air - just how I imagined it would be. The making of tea with one kettle wasn't too bad either and in fact 1 full kettle made 8 mugs worth (no wonder Jim used to get cross with me when I filled the kettle just for the two of us. I had no idea it was that big. I must have bought a tardis kettle). Getting my mums to bring their own mugs was a stroke of genius (even if I do say so myself). Not only did it mean I had enough mugs but it was easy to make sure everyone got the right cup of tea and a simple rinse at the end with mug handed back meant I didn't have a big pile of washing up after everyone had gone home.

Those mums who purchased a Hypno Mummy mug from the lovely www.ickelbabe.com were very happy and one mum asked if the artist was coming (I wish Helen could have been there). I hope more mums want to buy them in future, they really are gorgeous!

Once everyone had their mug of tea and a lovely treaty flapjack provided by one of my mums-to-be we listened to the amazing HypnoBirthing stories. A great selection from a baby born 10 minutes after arrival at hospital and mum saying she'd only experienced period like sensations to an amazing birth following induction (and a consultant constantly saying you are never going to be able to do this without an epidural - big two fingers up at her - oops sorry for my rudeness).

A few hints and tips were also shared - "practise, practise, practise", "listen to what Dany says when she says stay asleep if you can when labour starts", "a session with Dany just before the baby was due is great for staying focused" (one of the reasons I introduced the group to help mums keep their focus and maintain enthusiasm) and the one I really love "believe in yourself, trust your body, you can do it".

There was then an 'interesting', shall we say, attempt at some relaxing hypnosis. It certainly was an opportunity for mums-to-be to see how they could focus with a lot of noise going on around them. Three kids walking in and out of the garden, Evan coming in with her garden tools staring at all the women and wondering why they were not taking any notice of her (I so nearly laughed out loud at this point), the phone ringing (twice) and Evan insisting she wanted to watch Peppa Pig. What was good to see though that despite mums-to-be saying they could hear the distraction (and of course they could) but I asked them to set the intention for it to help them focus inwards and I could see from their responses that they were in deed in a state of trance. Something useful for them to realise as conditions will not always be 'perfect'. Although I did point out that they may want to purchase a Peppa Pig video for their labour as Evan had firmly planted a suggestion that they would want to watch it - tee hee.

Johanna then showed the mums the huge variety of cloth nappies that are available now and how easy they are to use, wash and get dried. I've already had one mum say that she is now a convert as she was nervous about them before.

Mums left saying how much they had enjoyed it and are looking forward to the next one. I had the best fun although was totally exhausted at the end of it and I can't wait for the next one on the 9th November.

And now it's time to sleeeeep!!!

The following entry is by my new guest mummy blogger Clare who I hope we will be hearing more from. So without further ado I will leave you in her capable hands......

___________________________________________________

I'm crying with happiness (that makes a change huh?) 7 mins and my lil girl is sleeping beautiful on her own in her crib!!! Thank you xxx

After sleep problems with my first born I promised myself I wouldn't let it happen again- 12 weeks and 3 days my little Madelaine is finally sleeping beautiful on her own in her crib for the first time and I am so happy I could do cartwheels! How did I do it- I listenend to my friend.

Madelaine had a beautiful and amazing hypno birth but after a few weeks she developed colic and was constantly crying feeding or in distress before I knew it she was sleeping constantly with me or on me- which I don't have a problem with but with a fun and active toddler in tow I found myself getting myself in a pickle. My toddler spending more and more time in front of the tv. I was getting to the point I couldn't get dressed, wash hair blah blah..

Talking to Dany I decided to take action and after listening to her advice- I decided to do the pick up put down routine and then after 20 mins I left Madelaine for 1 min went back picked her up when she was calm put her back in her cot left her for 2mins and so on- it took 7 mins and she was sleeping.

You think that being a mum 2nd time round will be easier and in some respects it is- I never would have done the above with Hannah and its a shame I didn't have the confidence to do it back then- I now know teaching your baby to sleep is just as important as teaching her to crawl, brush her teeth, hold a spoon...

My one piece of advice is to surround yourself with lovely positive mums - hopefully who have been there before you (6mths before ideally :)> Not all advice will be for you but its worth a listen and take what will work for you. Besides sometime it is just good to be with people who understand...

This is why I am so looking forward to Dany's Hyp n Happening group on Monday - I know that all us mums who have had fantastic births with pass on our lovely birthing stories and here's to making some great new friends and making a difference to our and our little ones lives :)

Clare - Hannah and Madeleine's Hypno Mummy

Derma WaterWipes

Well it has taken me about 2 months to get around to doing my first review (with this speed I'm sure companies will be beating down my door to get me to do more). In fact when I was originally asked I had no idea that 'bloggers' were asked to do such things and was unsure as to why someone wanted to send me a free pack of Baby Wipes.

The benefit of it taking me so long though is that I have had plenty of opportunity to test them out in different situations for a variety of uses.

Firstly, if I was a new mum again buying them would be a no brainer for me. From the moment the midwife, just after Evan's birth, said to me "don't worry about that blood stain" (she had just made on my brand new cream sofa) "baby wipes get everything out" I thought 'I'm not using them on my daughter's gorgeous new bottom'. And she was right. They got out the blood stain, ink stains, any number of food stains - off of furniture, walls, carpets, clothes, bodies. In fact any stain on any surface I've not yet found that a wet wipe won't cure. Why people spend loads of money on stain removers it is beyond me.

Anyway back to my point. I refused to use them on Evan's gorgeous little botty and so it was cotton wool and water for us. Easy in the house not so easy when you are out and about. The beauty also of course with a wipe made from 99.9% water as opposed to cotton wool is that you have a nice big piece of cloth to play with rather than a messy mass of cotton wool. I also like the fact that they don't feel slimy and greasy and they don't slip and slide as you are trying to clean a wriggly poopy bumbum.

My only complaint is that they are very, very difficult to get out. Although this does have a benefit as they are the only box of wipes that I do not find completely emptied and out all over the floor if I leave them in reach of a two year who just loves to have her hands clean. And on that note another plus for me as I also really like to keep my hands clean. Something my mum said I've always been like and regularly came up to her as a tiny tot pulling faces and showing her my sticky hands which were apparently not even that sticky. So it is great for me to have the WaterWipes in my bag to clean away any mess, any time, any where. Normal wipes or that bottled stuff don't do it for me as they still leave your hands feeling sticky or greasy.

So that's it my first review and it is a big thumbs up for Derma WaterWipes. Although don't despair makers of other babywipes I will still be buying them for the ever increasing stains that keep popping up in my house. On that note - Evaaaaaaaaaaaaaan you do not write on the kitchen cabinet.

Gift for Life - UNICEF and Pampers

Andrea (The Accidental Businessmum) sent me this very special Gift of Life meme.

We are so lucky here in the UK as we have a fantastic vaccination programme which starts when babies are 8 weeks old (I know some of you will have your own views about this but we are lucky to have a choice). Diseases that were once life threatening are no longer a concern for us, but the peace of mind this gives is not so easily available to a mother bringing up her children in the developing world.

Pampers and UNICEF have joined forces for the fourth year running with their ‘Give the Gift of Life ‘ campaign aiming to help eliminate maternal and newborn tetanus by 2012. A diseases that has been curable for over 70 years and yet killing 128,000 mothers and babies each year in less industrialised nations.

To help launch the campaign, Grammy award-winning world music artist and mother of one, Angelique Kidjo has released a song called 'You Can Count On Me' which is available as a free download. Each time it is downloaded Pampers will donate more funds for vaccines. This means that anyone can help raise funds without spending anything themselves but their time.

Pampers also supports UNICEF’s programme by donating the cost of 1 vaccine for every one pack of their nappies sold. To date they have donated the funding for 200 million tetanus vaccines. You can read more about this on the UNICEF website.

If your children are no longer in nappies, you use cloth nappies or simply prefer a different brand you can still support UNICEF directly by clicking here.

Andrea asked me to keep the meme going and pass it on to other bloggers.

All you have to do is:

1 Open the virtual Gift For Life by going here
2 Write a small post on the campaign
3 Pass on to at least 5 other bloggers
4 Add the campaign badge to your sidebar
5 Feel incredibly proud that you are helping to make a difference!

So I’m passing this onto you:

Cariad Hypnotherapy

HypnoBirthing Gwent

Sleep is for the Weak

OMG We're Pregnant

Emma's Books

Perfectly Happy Mum

My very own Hypno Mummy mugs

I am very pleased to announce that the wonderful Helen of www.icklebabe.com has designed especially for Tums 2 Mums some gorgeous Hypno Mummy mugs.

I left the design completely up to her so it was a lovely surprise to find that she had chosen to take inspiration from my website. I think you will agree with me they are fab!

Helen has also designed a Hypno Daddy mug but I haven't seen that yet - can't wait!

Hyp 'n Happening Group

I am very excited for two reasons:

Firstly, the first of my Hyp 'n Happening groups is taking place on Monday, 12th October at 2pm and I've had lots of Mums and Mums-to-be saying that they are looking forward to coming.

I have decided to set up this group for my HypnoBirthing Mums and Mums-to-be as I'd had a couple of requests asking if I knew of anywhere that Mums could meet up with other HypnoBirthing mums. I didn’t so I thought it was about time I got my own up and running.

It will be held on the second Monday of each month from 2pm to 3:30pm and besides having a cuppa and a chat there will be a bit of relaxation hypno at the beginning and then an opportunity to discuss any questions mums-to-be might have about their practise. Those Mums who have already had their babies will then hopefully share their experience and any hints and tips they might have not only about the birth but also about being new mums too. It is a new group and I'm looking forward to my 'Mums' also suggesting what they might like to use it for. There will also be some guests coming along to tell us about how they can support Mums and Mums to be and I am pleased to say that I have Chantal Fabrice coming to talk to us about 'Sound Birthing' at the group in November (Monday, 9th November).

The second reason I am so excited is that the wonderful Julie at My Life Expressed has once again surpassed my expectations with this beautiful header for my communications about the group.

I will no doubt be blogging after the first group to let you all know how it went.