Wednesday, 27 January 2010

"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten"

A fab quote from the great Anthony Robbins that I feel works well as an introduction to a post about 'beliefs'.

Our beliefs are personal to us. I am sure there have been many times in your life when you have met a person who has a completely different opinion on a subject to you. This is often hard to understand. Who is right, who is wrong? Maybe no-one, maybe both!

Our beliefs about our world come from the things that happen to us, what we see, hear and do. As we experience things we notice the outcomes we get and if we get the same result over and over again it becomes 'fact' for us. In turn we start to filter out anything that doesn't fit with our new belief convincing us all the more that what we believe is right. But actually it is just what we 'think' or to be more correct what we 'imagine' is right.

What you believe dictates the choices you make for yourself and the actions that you take. What you think about things therefore affects your behaviour. Every behaviour has a consequence and so you are in control of what happens to you in your life by what you tell yourself - your thoughts.

Taking responsibility for your thoughts (and therefore your actions) is a big step forward in achieving the life that you want.

Step 1 - Recognise which of your beliefs are not working for you. A good indicator is whether something is making you feel bad in some way.

Step 2 - Evaluate the 'truth' of your beliefs. Take the filter off for a while. Deliberately look for information to test whether this particular belief is always true - or NOT!

Step 3 - Replace the negative thoughts with new positive ones that fit with your new understanding gained from step 2.

So 3 simple steps then! But just proving to yourself that what you believe about something isn't true doesn't make the process of change easy. Even something painful can be 'comfortable' because it is familiar and what we know. It is easier to do what we've always done..... You can see where the title of this post came from now can't you ;-)

For your new belief to become comfortable it needs to be practised consciously until it becomes familiar enough so as to become a more deep routed belief at the subconscious level. You don't really have to think about it anymore you just feel that way. Just like when you are learning a new motor skill for example driving a car. At first you are very consciously aware of everything you need to do but with time and practise you get to a point where you barely notice that you are changing gear, stepping on the brake, stopping at a red light. In fact you can sing along to the radio or chat with a friend whilst you are doing it.

With a commitment to succeed the Cancel technique provides a structured way to practise new thought patterns. At first it will take effort but it is worth it. In time you will begin to notice a subtle shift in how you are thinking as your new belief becomes a part of your subconscious programming, in turn the choices you make and the actions you take will reflect this. Remember you are responsible for your thoughts, your thoughts dictate your actions, every action you make has a consequence that impacts on your life. Your head creates your world. You are in control of your life.

And once you have learnt how to make a change in one area of your life you may find other beliefs that no longer work for you and change them too.

If you'd like support exploring the ideas presented on this post you may be interested to learn more about my Happy Mums! programme.

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Monday, 25 January 2010

This one is for me

There is no other way of saying it because I'm posting this pure and simply because I want to win some free jewellery. And not just any old jewellery I might add but a fabulous piece, worth up to £150, of ones own choosing from the Chambers and Beau new collection.

The only problem is that in order to enter I have to tell all of my readers about it and so if you like beautiful jewellery too then you will enter reducing my chances of winning.

So if by some small chance you want to find out how you can enter the big C&B giveaway click here

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Sunday, 24 January 2010

Appreciating how much you've achieved?

This little gem comes from my husband Jim.

Last night after he'd spent many hours doing overtime he said "....and I've still got loads more to do tomorrow :-(". I replied "focus on what you've achieved today it will make you feel happier". He thought for a moment and then said but that doesn't really help I'm still not looking forward to all I have to do tomorrow. Another pause "....... however, if I imagine that everything I have done today needs to be done again I can suddenly appreciate how much I've achieved and I feel great :-)"

To illustrate this further he used one of his 'Jimmy analogies'

"imagine you have painted a room today. That job is done but all you can think about is needing to paint another room tomorrow - urgh!! Then someone tells you that you've painted it the wrong colour and you need to start all over again tomorrow - double urgh!! Then as they look they realise that they like the new colour and there is no need for you to paint it all again - yay!!!!! You are now feeling very happy about all that you have achieved today - double yay!!!!!"

(although I must confess he didn't say the urgh's and yay's I added them in for dramatic effect ;-)). Just updating this post because I've been reliably informed that he did say the yay's :-D

So next time you can't see the wood for the trees and are finding it impossible to feel good about what you've already achieved, imagine having to start all over again you will soon be feeling better.

I'm definitely going to be including this in my Happy Mums programme.

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Tuesday, 19 January 2010

Make emotions your friend!

This blog entry comes from a conversation I had with my husband Jim. We are both hot heads although over the years have learned to 'most of the time' control our outbursts but this very control I believe has affected our relationship with our emotions. Until now :-)

I am in the middle of reading a wonderful book (I would recommend it to any parent) 'The Complete Secrets of Happy Children' by Steve Biddulph. The chapter entitled Kids and Emotions actually starts out with a confession from the author that this title is a little idealistic; "In the adult world, no-one is ever, or would want to be - continually happy. So for our children, such an aim actually would be wrong.............. What we really want is kids who can handle and move along through the many feelings that life brings... Joy is the goal, but being comfortable and experiencing all the emotions life brings is the way to get there most often".

Many adults I meet personally and work with therapeutically have never learned these skills (I know myself my Hypnotherapy and Counselling course changed my world in this respect and I was 30 when I attended it). And it is not really surprising as many of us have grown up in a world of "stiff upper lips", "keep your chin up", "it is not ladylike to get angry", "big boys don't cry", "don't be a big girls blouse", "putting a brave face on things" and I am sure there are many more you can think of. When I am working with people I always say "If it FEELS right it is right" but for so many who have not only learned but been brainwashed into squashing perceived negative emotions this is not always an easy thing to trust.

When our babies are born they are not inhibited and therefore will show their emotions freely and as a result the negative emotions that they have rarely last long. Although of course they do need direction on how to channel these powerful emotions appropriately but this is where it can end up going so so wrong. It is at this point kids need to learn to make friends with their emotions not see some as their enemy. The good news is though if you didn't learn this as a kid you can open your mind to the possibility now and as is often the case in any good relationship it is based on understanding.

We may sometimes wish that we had no feelings, when our heart has been broken, we've lost someone dear to us, someone is treating us badly and so on but ALL of our emotions have a very big role to play, yes even the negative one.

Our emotions range from subtle to very strong in intensity and, put simply, are there to tell the subconscious what it needs to do to run the body and to help us as we move through the different events and experiences of our lives.

There are four basic emotions:

  • Anger
  • Fear
  • Sadness
  • Joy
All other shades of feelings are a mix of these and there are thousands of combinations possible.

Imagine for a moment that you never felt ANGRY couldn't you so easily become life's doormat? In fact I'm sure we all know at least one person who has been taught that they must not show anger (they may well be feeling it but certainly not showing it) and don't people just walk all over them. ANGER makes us stand up for ourselves - it "keeps us free" (It should be noted that this is not the same as violence. Violence is anger gone wrong).

Think of a time when you looked after a young child, newly crawling and exploring their world, they have NO FEAR. You have to make sure that they don't fall down the stairs, stick their hands in the fire, etc. Now imagine you have no fear of ANYTHING!!!! It doesn't bare thinking about does it, let alone imagining. Fear slows us down, forces us to stop and think and avoid danger - often our gut instinct has even perceived something long before the conscious brain understands what and therefore FEAR "keeps us safe".

SADNESS helps us to heal. When we feel sad the chemical changes that occur help our brain to physically release the pain. People say that time heals everything - in a manner of speaking but the time is needed for the brain to release the pain. For some, depending on the type of hurt, that may mean many years and/or a strong support network. In some circumstances an element of sadness never goes away and that is appropriate too as we want to remember. But properly handled SADNESS helps us to move on to new life, enabling us to let go and make new contact with people and experiences.

All three of these outcomes are central to our happiness and JOY is what we start to experience when these needs are fulfilled.

Understanding how useful our emotions are opens up our minds to the possibility of embracing those feelings, to make emotions our friend. Acknowledge your emotions as you become aware of them think about why you are feeling a certain way, take action if appropriate, use them to learn about your behaviour patterns and make changes if you want to. It may seem a lot to take on but whenever you are unsure as to what to do imagine that you are a small child and your adult self is there to guide you.
  • Help the angry child wanting to express him/herself use clear lines of communication to ensure they are heard?
  • Talk to the frighten child about what is scaring them. Help them explore the facts, think it through, seek out help.
  • Maybe all the sad child needs is a hug and the reassurance of knowing that this is how the body is designed to heal. Acknowledge the pain, express it when it bubbles up and let it rest as it may.
  • Joy - allow the child in you to run free and have fun whenever the opportunity arises
Obviously as I said before there are many thousands of possible combinations of the four basic emotions but, as it would be impossible and unnecessary for me to list them, I will leave you to contemplate what advice you would give your small child as different emotions arise.

Don't feel the need to squash down the more difficult emotions and 'put a brave face on things' or in fact hide your joy to protect another. It doesn't have to be about 'washing your dirty laundry in public' (there goes another one) or 'rubbing someone's face in it' (and another) just expressing how you are feeling in a clear and honest way to yourself and to others when you are 'happy' or 'sad'.


If you'd like support exploring the ideas presented on this post you may be interested to learn more about my Happy Mums! programme.

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Saturday, 16 January 2010


My lovely pal Claire Lancaster recently tagged me with a meme #themewords. It doesn't matter if you don't know what a meme is, actually I haven't a clue why they are called meme's or who started them off, the key point of this particular one is that I've been asked to write about my Theme Word for 2010. A word to describe how I would like my year ahead to be.

Claire writes that allegedly your #themeword can unfold in unexpected ways and then having chosen the word Enjoyment demonstrates this beautifully. Now I must confess my first thought was "well you've gone and picked the best word already haven't you" and grumbled away to myself that I'd felt like I'd been set a piece of unwanted homework. However, that night lying in bed I found myself pondering over what my #themeword would be.

When I started this post my #themeword was balance but as I was putting my thoughts down on paper (well screen) it didn't feel right. As I wrote things like balance between work and family, time for me and time for Evan, time for me and time for Jim and so on it just felt that everything was one big compromise. What I realised I wanted was not balance but Harmony.

It is so easy to get things out of perspective when we've got a lot going on. I didn't have 'enough' time last year and I will not have 'enough' time this year and most probably the years after that to get everything done that I want to do. The things that had to get done were done, as were so many other things, and I am incredibly lucky as everything I have to do I want to do which surely is a great thing (if you read back in my blog you'll see I got rid of my cleaning and ironing chores quite a long time ago and believe me that was a 'life saver').

I love being a wife, a mother, a sister the sort of friend that my friends know they can call at any time and talk for hours about the same thing they called about the week before. I love my work and knowing that my clients gain so much from working with me, that strangers I've helped on sites like Baby Centre and Twitter send me such lovely messages of thanks. I love that Jim and I are both committed to each other to our family and doing the very best for Evan. I love chatting with my Twitter pals and getting lost writing a blog entry, working on a new hypnosis script and recording a new mp3. I love....... you get the point.

There are so many wonderful things in my life - do I remember this all of the time NO! Is life perfect all the time NO and boy wouldn't it be very boring if it was. When I focus on what is great with my world does it make me feel wonderful YES! Do I want more ABSOLUTELY, but it doesn't mean that there isn't Harmony in my life now. Harmony in my life comes from Harmony in my mind. It is already there I just have to notice it.

I'm not sure if this post makes total sense but the statement that your #themeword can unfold in unexpected ways sure is true.

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Monday, 4 January 2010

And tomaaaaatoooooo!!!!

Has she gone mad you ask yourself. The excesses of Christmas addled her brain???

No! There is a very simple explanation for the odd title to this post. For those of your who have heard my free mp3 you will know that it has been designed for you to quickly access a deep state of relaxation by taking a nice deep relaxing breath in and as you breathe out see, sense or imagine the numbers 5,4,3,2,1 reeeeeeeelax!

Recently I've decided to actually say the numbers out loud when I'm practising this as I feel it may help Evan (2.5 years old) calm and relax too. The little comedienne that she is promptly repeats after me 1,2,3,4,5 "pause for comedic effect" tomaaaaatoooooo (why tomato I do not know). She then proceeds to give out a great big belly laugh because she knows she's done something funny.

Either way it works though because laughter stimulates endorphins and makes you feel good and it acts as a useful distraction if she's previously been a little monkey ;-)

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